A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for
evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When it
comes to making the decision about choosing a life
partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a
divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that
many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Ms. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I
believe is the #1 mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love
(alone). Though this may sound not politically
correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone)
is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is
the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come.
Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime
relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if
you're serious about finding and keeping a life
partner.
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important?
Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30
years, that's a long time to live with someone.
What do you plan to do with each other all that time?
Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share
something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow
together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the
people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you
want out of life -bottom line- and marry someone who
wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with
this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e.
trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your
thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with
the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person.
How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal
growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right
thing." So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually
a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and
people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put
personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the ability to give. By
giving, we mean the ability to give another person
pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they wrapped up in themselves and
self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following:
- How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to,
such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc.?
- How do they treat parents and siblings?
- Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
- Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have
given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll
have gratitude for you --who can't do nearly as
much for them!
- Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot
be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others
poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to "improve" them after
they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably
expect someone to change after marriage ... for the
worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way
they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little
more with your head and less with your heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are
dating, to be sure to ask questions that will
help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake
up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find
yourself in trouble because you didn't do your
homework.
